Conflict is inevitable. Metaphorically speaking, conflict is a human "right of passage" that is required for anyone who's breathing and experiencing life. If you've been married any length of time, or have been in a relationship with anyone longer than six months, you can attest that conflict is a part of the human existence. I would be a liar if I stated that my husband and I have always seen "eye-to-eye," and that we've been "argument-free" since we said our marriage vows over ten years ago. We are two individuals from varying backgrounds, who decided to become one in our decision making processes, family practices, and actions.
In the earlier years of our marriage, I made the mistake of lying to myself; convincing myself that we could live in harmonious marital bliss, without ever having an argument with each other. Instead of voicing that I was upset or disagreed with my spouse, I would bury my feelings deep into the crevices of my heart. See, growing up, I did not have the best examples of how to express frustration or anger, and I was afraid that I could not adequately convey my anger without damaging our relationship. So, I would just tuck it away. But as I continued to bottle up my anger, it began to bubble to the surface in passive aggressive and sarcastic undertones in my conversations with my spouse. It would spill down my cheeks in tears, and I would cry like a four-year-old who's lost in a department store. And regrettably, I must admit, the anger came out in fits of tantrums, morphing my anger into a tidal wave of rage. The very thing I feared happening in our relationship if I voiced my anger happened. My behavior was damaging our marriage. However, my husband did not give up on us, but instead began to encourage me to tell him when something was upsetting me, even if it was his actions. He then told me "it's okay to be angry. You just need to admit that you are, and then give yourself some space to calm down. Once you're calm, you will be able to think clearer, and articulate what's bothering you." His words liberated me! It was okay to put a voice to my anger. I would not be judged or ridiculed, but instead, I would be heard and loved. As I began to follow his words and example, I became better at voicing anger, which in turn, silenced my rage. Ten years later, we are still together, and our relationship is even stronger today than it has ever been. Many times we bottle up anger and bury it deep down inside because we're afraid to be rejected; that our actions will be considered "unacceptable" and our concerns will not be heard. However, this practice is dangerous, and will cause more damage in the long run. The postponed expression of anger will eventually turn into a deadly rage, destroying everything in its path. So speak up! Admit your angry, its okay! Voicing anger silences rage. Comments???
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AuthorAkon M. Walker, MPA, motivates readers to transform words of inspiration into life application. Archives
June 2019
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